Forgiveness is a process

Growing up in a southern Christian home I was taught that you are to forgive and forget.  As I got older  I became very concerned because I wasn't able to do that at the drop of a hat. It took me years to understand that forgiveness could take a lifetime for some.  I have come to the conclusion that I can not always instantly forgive and without the assistance of a brain surgeon or blunt force trauma I can't forget.    When my husband and I finally sat down and talked about his online affairs the thought of leaving him had not even crossed my mind.  By today's standards an affair is the ultimate justification for divorce, it's the breaking of the marriage vows.  What kept running through my head was, this is some of the "worse", as in for better or for worse.  Our better outweighs our worse by tons and I wasn't ready to give that up or put my children through years of worse over his bad choices.  If we were going to survive this and get back to the better I had to forgive him and he had to forgive himself.    I chose to forgive him and that meant working every day to get better and grow farther away from that bad period.  The hardest times are when we get upset with each other or he pushes my buttons.  I choose (sometimes white knuckle choose) to not throw his affairs in his face or bring them up, part of forgiving is letting go of it and not using it as ammo.  Forgetting is impossible and I'm not sure that it would be beneficial.  I want to remember the things he said to the "others" about how he was hurting and what I had done, even unknowingly, to make him feel unloved.  I don't want to forget the subtle signs that I missed early on that there was a problem.  I don't want to forget that it doesn't take that much effort to stay connected to your lover everyday.   I understand that not everyone will recover from an affair and not every marriage can survive it because our experiences and situations are all unique. Even if your marriage doesn't survivee, the forgiveness process is still important, healing and so empowering.