Ripping off a Band-Aid

When you have that cut and it won't stop bleeding and you band-aid it and band-aid it again and it finally stops bleeding and eventually you need to take the band-aid off and clean it up and start letting it heal.  You know it's going to bleed a little again and probably hurt but it has to be done.  I went through this process with my husband recently, we bandaged some bad wounds almost a year ago, it was very painful and we left a lot undone.  I had to pull the band aids off and do some cleaning up to heal the right way.   I absolutely hated doing this.  We are happy but those underlying things were still floating below the surface and they had to be addressed so we could heal.  I know that it was the right thing to do and will save us pain and issues in the future but I still struggle with it.  I feel like I forgave him and I shouldn't be bringing up issues once they have been forgiven, probably because I don't like someone to bring up my past issues, but I needed to be heard and clear some things up for my own sanity.  We're getting better and we're going to heal and be ok.

Dear Husbands:

In a day and time when we (wives/mothers) are expected to keep up with an unattainable schedule for ourselves and our children, maintain our homes, be nurturing and loving, be your helpmate, be your friend, be your lover, be a positive role model for our children, help and support our aging parents, keep up friendships, stay on top of our own physical and mental health, work the same 40 hours a week that you work, do the best we can to maintain our self-esteem in the face of the media's idea of perfection, sleep, think and gather our thoughts, we are struggling.  We need help, we need support, we need a firm partner and we need a friend.  We need to know that it chips away at your self-esteem when we treat you like one of our children.  We need to know that it really isn't funny to you when we belittle you in front of our friends.  We need to know that you are desperate to hear us brag on you and lift you up for the hard work that you do too.  Remind us that we're beautiful to you. Remind us that you would take us over any bikini model even after we've had 3 kids. Tell us the sweet beautiful things that we need to hear and not just when we're in bed together.  Remember that a quick text saying, thank you for breakfast, I think you're beautiful or I'm just thinking about you means so much more than you know.   Remember and please remind us that there is no better stability in the world for our children than a mom and dad that love and support each other. Always fight for our marriage and when the new girl at work flirts with you, the high school classmate on facebook wants to send you a private message or the stranger at the motel bar wants to know if you're married, please respond as if we are right there by your side, respect us and love us when we are there in person and when we are not.

I have been pondering an interesting email I received the other day.   This is the question that was sent:
"From a moral standpoint, how can you go undercover online and have an affair with your husband?  You are the one tempting him and causing him to stray making you just as responsible."
Hmmm. So what about the guy that propositions the undercover vice officer that's posing as a prostitute?  Should she be held responsible for his crime?   What about the undercover officer that buys drugs from the drug dealer and then arrests him?
From a moral standpoint, when my husband is approached in person or online by a woman, wanting sex, wanting to exchange sexual pictures, wanting sexual conversation, wanting his sole attention or anything that he cannot give her with me present, the correct answer is.. I'm married and I don't stray.   He had the opportunity to give the correct answer and he didn't, recently he had the opportunity again, he got it right.   I don't regret the undercover affair.

Does absence make forgiveness easier?

Had a long discussion with a friend over the weekend about her ex husband. They just finalized their divorce after trying to work out their marriage after his affair with a co-worker. She's not bitter because she wants to move on in a positive light. She says that she forgives him and wishes him the best and they are still friends and are working together to get their kids through this. I asked about how she deals with the other woman, does he still see her? Are there others? Here's the difference in us: she doesn't worry about that because it is no longer her problem and it does not affect her anymore. I, on the other hand forgave my husbands affair, I'm not bitter and we are moving on in a positive light. But I worry. I wonder. Those things that I read and saw, still trying to let it go. Are there others? No but will there be? I don't know for sure and it is my problem and it affects my entire world. Maybe I should have titled this moving on or return to ignorance is bliss, but then again that's part of forgiving, and I'm having trouble with that part because I have to re-establish that trust that she does not have to deal with. Just some thoughts. Reaffirming, marriage is tough.

Information is a double edged sword.

When my husband was deeply involved in his online affairs I thought I had hit the jackpot when I came up with his twitter password and had started an undercover affair with him.  I was rolling in information.  I knew that I would never again have the "you're the crazy suspicious wife" conversation,  I win! Right?  I never had that converstaion again, as a matter of fact there wasn't a lot of conversation at all.  With every sex chat and exchanged picture and email right in front of him there wasn't much to say.  What I was left with was the details of every sex chat, email and the visual of every picture.  I had the details of how unhappy he was, how I contributed to that, why and how much he didn't like me or our marriage.  That is more information than I want now.  Did he say all of those things to gain sympathy from these women or did he really mean it?  I'll never know.  Be prepared, very prepared with self esteem protected before you start the digging process.

How is it NOT about me?

I have this question running through my head and I'm going to try to articulate this but it may be tough. Everything I read during and after my husbands online affairs kept saying that this was the cheating spouses issue not mine. He was looking for something to avoid issues of his own and this was not caused by me nor could I have prevented it. I see an ad this week for a program that will affair proof your marriage. When I started looking into this I found that this is a pretty popular trend. I found 3 books, 2 programs and a DVD on affair proofing your marriage.  So this tells me It's not my fault nor did I do anything to cause him to stray BUT there are things that I can do to keep him from cheating so I must have not done those things which would put this on me right? See where I'm going? because now I'm dizzy.  I resent the idea that had I been doing something different or right he would have made better character choices.  How about this, You failed to check your backyard gate daily like you should and your dog was in the street for the 3rd time this week so I just chose to run over him.   It was the wrong thing to do but had you done something differently I wouldn't have been forced to make a bad decision.  Am I wrong or is this more of "it's someone else's fault"?   My husband went through a bout with depression, I panicked and working in robot mode I wore myself out doing everything in my power to keep things level, stress free at home, calm and whatever I could do to keep him from worry.   I shut out everyone and everything and focused on that.  I stayed mentally and physically exhausted,we didn't communicate and rarely touched but I was determined that he would not be stressed.  He felt shut out and I was bitter and he turned to other people.  Did I make a bad choice?  Yes, Did he make a bad choice, Yes.  Could he have chosen to respond differently, Yes.  Should I have just let him feel pain like an adult?  Yes. Can I read a book, make some changes and keep someone else from making bad choices? NO.   Don't put that off on me.  I know I could have done things differently but it doesn't justify his choice.   If you have some knowledge of the affair proof plan and could correct me on my view I would welcome the input.  The pain of being betrayed is hard enough, it cuts through your self esteem and makes you question things you never imagined.  I truly believe that he made a choice and if that's what he truly wanted to do he would have found an excuse even if I had made the perfect choices all along.

Jumping off the cliff

Remember the Seinfeld episode where George decided to do the opposite of his norm in every situation because all of his decisions had just been wrong? That. That is where I am. I am sitting on the edge of the life cliff and I'm very scared that I will die here on the edge of the cliff while I analyze why I'm doing nothing. I have to jump off and crash or fly. Dying from the jump has to be better than dying here thinking about it. No I'm not suicidal, if I ever decide to really physically jump off a cliff I have a mental list of people that I'm taking with me! Haha! Seriously, strong is hard and I have to get there fast. Wish me luck

Forgiveness is a process

Growing up in a southern Christian home I was taught that you are to forgive and forget.  As I got older  I became very concerned because I wasn't able to do that at the drop of a hat. It took me years to understand that forgiveness could take a lifetime for some.  I have come to the conclusion that I can not always instantly forgive and without the assistance of a brain surgeon or blunt force trauma I can't forget.    When my husband and I finally sat down and talked about his online affairs the thought of leaving him had not even crossed my mind.  By today's standards an affair is the ultimate justification for divorce, it's the breaking of the marriage vows.  What kept running through my head was, this is some of the "worse", as in for better or for worse.  Our better outweighs our worse by tons and I wasn't ready to give that up or put my children through years of worse over his bad choices.  If we were going to survive this and get back to the better I had to forgive him and he had to forgive himself.    I chose to forgive him and that meant working every day to get better and grow farther away from that bad period.  The hardest times are when we get upset with each other or he pushes my buttons.  I choose (sometimes white knuckle choose) to not throw his affairs in his face or bring them up, part of forgiving is letting go of it and not using it as ammo.  Forgetting is impossible and I'm not sure that it would be beneficial.  I want to remember the things he said to the "others" about how he was hurting and what I had done, even unknowingly, to make him feel unloved.  I don't want to forget the subtle signs that I missed early on that there was a problem.  I don't want to forget that it doesn't take that much effort to stay connected to your lover everyday.   I understand that not everyone will recover from an affair and not every marriage can survive it because our experiences and situations are all unique. Even if your marriage doesn't survivee, the forgiveness process is still important, healing and so empowering.

Curious about how some people define reality

As I'm writing this book, it's bringing back old feelings and fears and memories.  I still have the binder with all the conversations and exchanges between my husband and his online affairs, or as I call them his "others".
One woman in particular is still on twitter and has a very large following, she's a professional, educated, witty, so on..  I still read her tweets, check her followers just to see if maybe one of them looks familiar.  What amazes me is that she's highly successful, intelligent, protective of her personal information and I have pictures of her naked, pictures of her various body parts, copies of her "cybersex" chats with my husband and copies of very personally revealing conversations about her life.  I also know her real name, where she works, her husbands name and where they live.  Why on earth would she give my husband, a stranger, the tools to humiliate her?  She's an intelligent woman who handed over naked pictures and sex chats to a stranger, seriously?   Let me clarify, I will not expose her or her info or the pics or anything else because she didn't seek him out, he started it, although she knew he was married.   I wonder sometimes if adults also need to be reminded that the person on the other end of the keyboard is a stranger.  They can tell you whatever you want to hear and create your greatest fantasy, but it's still a stranger.  Do people really lose all common sense over a little bit of flattery?  I hope I never ever lose my self respect and have to rely on a fantasy world to sustain my days, Sad.

So you're not a computer genius?

Unfortunately neither am I.  I can buy and sell on Ebay. I can Facebook. I do bills and taxes and banking online.  If you can do that you can track down your spouse.  I recovered passwords to his social networking and email accounts and also went undercover and had an online affair with him.   Neither of these are for those with a weak stomach or quick explosive temper.   It's strictly about gathering evidence, presenting it, having discussions and moving on.  When I presented my evidence I never revealed that I was one of the online affairs and I don't ever plan to.   I can promise you that the good southern girls in my book club or recipe exchange would fall out of their chairs if they read the conversations that I had with my husband while undercover, well most of them..  I never considered telling him that I was one of his affairs and  I don't know what impact that would have on our relationship.  That undercover identity is also my insurance policy.  I love him, forgive him and will work just as hard as he is to keep our marriage moving forward but my trust will take longer to catch up.

Be careful with the expectations

If my spouse is going to commit to an affair, in person or online, OBVIOUSLY it will be with someone 10 years younger, thinner and drop dead beautiful right? After all he's only trying to improve on the original right? Truth is you may have a hint of the reason but you truly don't know what your spouse is out there looking for.  As a woman my first thought is of course younger, size 5,  prettier, boobs that are still in the originally placed location and stay there without assistance.... but he may be looking for a good listener, someone to compliment him and build him up.   Your husband may in a relationship with a woman 25 years older. Your wife may be chatting online with a balding middle aged man that makes her laugh again.  What you  find when you reveal the "other" probably won't match your mental picture, not even close for me.  It may shock you, confuse you or really put a spin on your self esteem.  You have got to be prepared for anything before you start digging.

So I guess your crazy...

My gut, or sixth sense for non southerners, was yelling at me for a long time before I finally acknowledged it. I cowboyed up, took a deep breath and informed my husband that he was obviously hiding something because his cell phone was always locked and he did not want me to see anything he was doing on it or his computer which was also passworded. That accusation led to an ugly rant that went on for an hour while I remained mostly silent. In a nutshell I was informed that I was obsessed with being his mother and I wanted to control him and it was perfectly fine for a grown man to have his privacy and I needed to butt out because everyone was starting to think that I was crazy. Privacy? I haven't peed alone in 10 years, I have more preschool game apps on my phone than useful ones, and by the way how about your twitter account mr private?deep breath..... Just Before it all flew out of my big mouth my brain grabbed the controls and it hit me, I thought, honey, if you think I'm crazy now, you haven't seen anything yet. I patted him on the arm and said, you're probably right, I'll try to be more understanding. That was that the moment I became my own investigator.

Who do you confide in? And should you be?

When my husband was having online affairs I told no one.    I have a lot of reasons for that but the main reason is because I didn't have all the evidence that I needed.    Say the local burglar is talking with someone that I know.  He tells this person that he's been watching my house and sure would like to know what I have inside.  This person tells someone else in confidence and you know how it goes.  When it gets back to me I am going to add extra security to my house and be very aware of everything going on in and around my house to keep him out.  This works exactly the same when you start telling people that you think your spouse is cheating.  Your confidants have trusted friends, partners and children too.   Protect this information and don't make it even harder on yourself to find the proof that you need.

What's Worse?

As I'm come to the final chapter of my book I start to wonder how many people really feel that emotional, online, cybersex-sexting affairs are really extramarital affairs?  My husband didn't argue it for a minute but how many do?  And how many are presented with the evidence?  I was able to lay out a binder of almost every single conversation and all of the exchanged pictures so there was not much to argue about.  I really hope this book will give spouses the ability to come up with the evidence they need to have an honest confrontation and discussion. There is nothing worse than knowing it's happening, knowing it's wrong but still get the denial over and over.

Totally alone

I remember sitting in the dark in the middle if the night in our living room. I was out of tears and far beyond angry. I'm not sure if there's an adjective for the rage I felt. I was really concerned for my sanity and I was crushed. That's when I decided that I would not tell a soul what was going on, not so great for the mental pain but I couldn't stand the thought of my children's disappointment. "White hot" pissed off is not the time to bear your soul or make life impacting decisions even if you're totally justified.

Stay Calm

The most important thing when trying to catch a cheating spouse is to keep your emotions in check, especially your temper.   Once you start to get details you may find that it's worse than you thought.  You need to decide if you're prepared to hang in there until you have all of the evidence that you need.   It's very difficult to maintain a calm front when you know what they are doing behind your back.

Pushing through

bringing all of this back up is making me anxious and paranoid.  I know we're past this and everything is fine but I still have this uncontrollable urge to go back  to the pasword recovery software again and start checking.... maybe I'm not because I don't have the energy for what I might find, and I just have that gut feeling that I'm overreacting...     Have to get this guide done before I start having wine for breakfast.