Ripping off a Band-Aid

When you have that cut and it won't stop bleeding and you band-aid it and band-aid it again and it finally stops bleeding and eventually you need to take the band-aid off and clean it up and start letting it heal.  You know it's going to bleed a little again and probably hurt but it has to be done.  I went through this process with my husband recently, we bandaged some bad wounds almost a year ago, it was very painful and we left a lot undone.  I had to pull the band aids off and do some cleaning up to heal the right way.   I absolutely hated doing this.  We are happy but those underlying things were still floating below the surface and they had to be addressed so we could heal.  I know that it was the right thing to do and will save us pain and issues in the future but I still struggle with it.  I feel like I forgave him and I shouldn't be bringing up issues once they have been forgiven, probably because I don't like someone to bring up my past issues, but I needed to be heard and clear some things up for my own sanity.  We're getting better and we're going to heal and be ok.

Dear Husbands:

In a day and time when we (wives/mothers) are expected to keep up with an unattainable schedule for ourselves and our children, maintain our homes, be nurturing and loving, be your helpmate, be your friend, be your lover, be a positive role model for our children, help and support our aging parents, keep up friendships, stay on top of our own physical and mental health, work the same 40 hours a week that you work, do the best we can to maintain our self-esteem in the face of the media's idea of perfection, sleep, think and gather our thoughts, we are struggling.  We need help, we need support, we need a firm partner and we need a friend.  We need to know that it chips away at your self-esteem when we treat you like one of our children.  We need to know that it really isn't funny to you when we belittle you in front of our friends.  We need to know that you are desperate to hear us brag on you and lift you up for the hard work that you do too.  Remind us that we're beautiful to you. Remind us that you would take us over any bikini model even after we've had 3 kids. Tell us the sweet beautiful things that we need to hear and not just when we're in bed together.  Remember that a quick text saying, thank you for breakfast, I think you're beautiful or I'm just thinking about you means so much more than you know.   Remember and please remind us that there is no better stability in the world for our children than a mom and dad that love and support each other. Always fight for our marriage and when the new girl at work flirts with you, the high school classmate on facebook wants to send you a private message or the stranger at the motel bar wants to know if you're married, please respond as if we are right there by your side, respect us and love us when we are there in person and when we are not.

I have been pondering an interesting email I received the other day.   This is the question that was sent:
"From a moral standpoint, how can you go undercover online and have an affair with your husband?  You are the one tempting him and causing him to stray making you just as responsible."
Hmmm. So what about the guy that propositions the undercover vice officer that's posing as a prostitute?  Should she be held responsible for his crime?   What about the undercover officer that buys drugs from the drug dealer and then arrests him?
From a moral standpoint, when my husband is approached in person or online by a woman, wanting sex, wanting to exchange sexual pictures, wanting sexual conversation, wanting his sole attention or anything that he cannot give her with me present, the correct answer is.. I'm married and I don't stray.   He had the opportunity to give the correct answer and he didn't, recently he had the opportunity again, he got it right.   I don't regret the undercover affair.

Does absence make forgiveness easier?

Had a long discussion with a friend over the weekend about her ex husband. They just finalized their divorce after trying to work out their marriage after his affair with a co-worker. She's not bitter because she wants to move on in a positive light. She says that she forgives him and wishes him the best and they are still friends and are working together to get their kids through this. I asked about how she deals with the other woman, does he still see her? Are there others? Here's the difference in us: she doesn't worry about that because it is no longer her problem and it does not affect her anymore. I, on the other hand forgave my husbands affair, I'm not bitter and we are moving on in a positive light. But I worry. I wonder. Those things that I read and saw, still trying to let it go. Are there others? No but will there be? I don't know for sure and it is my problem and it affects my entire world. Maybe I should have titled this moving on or return to ignorance is bliss, but then again that's part of forgiving, and I'm having trouble with that part because I have to re-establish that trust that she does not have to deal with. Just some thoughts. Reaffirming, marriage is tough.

Information is a double edged sword.

When my husband was deeply involved in his online affairs I thought I had hit the jackpot when I came up with his twitter password and had started an undercover affair with him.  I was rolling in information.  I knew that I would never again have the "you're the crazy suspicious wife" conversation,  I win! Right?  I never had that converstaion again, as a matter of fact there wasn't a lot of conversation at all.  With every sex chat and exchanged picture and email right in front of him there wasn't much to say.  What I was left with was the details of every sex chat, email and the visual of every picture.  I had the details of how unhappy he was, how I contributed to that, why and how much he didn't like me or our marriage.  That is more information than I want now.  Did he say all of those things to gain sympathy from these women or did he really mean it?  I'll never know.  Be prepared, very prepared with self esteem protected before you start the digging process.

How is it NOT about me?

I have this question running through my head and I'm going to try to articulate this but it may be tough. Everything I read during and after my husbands online affairs kept saying that this was the cheating spouses issue not mine. He was looking for something to avoid issues of his own and this was not caused by me nor could I have prevented it. I see an ad this week for a program that will affair proof your marriage. When I started looking into this I found that this is a pretty popular trend. I found 3 books, 2 programs and a DVD on affair proofing your marriage.  So this tells me It's not my fault nor did I do anything to cause him to stray BUT there are things that I can do to keep him from cheating so I must have not done those things which would put this on me right? See where I'm going? because now I'm dizzy.  I resent the idea that had I been doing something different or right he would have made better character choices.  How about this, You failed to check your backyard gate daily like you should and your dog was in the street for the 3rd time this week so I just chose to run over him.   It was the wrong thing to do but had you done something differently I wouldn't have been forced to make a bad decision.  Am I wrong or is this more of "it's someone else's fault"?   My husband went through a bout with depression, I panicked and working in robot mode I wore myself out doing everything in my power to keep things level, stress free at home, calm and whatever I could do to keep him from worry.   I shut out everyone and everything and focused on that.  I stayed mentally and physically exhausted,we didn't communicate and rarely touched but I was determined that he would not be stressed.  He felt shut out and I was bitter and he turned to other people.  Did I make a bad choice?  Yes, Did he make a bad choice, Yes.  Could he have chosen to respond differently, Yes.  Should I have just let him feel pain like an adult?  Yes. Can I read a book, make some changes and keep someone else from making bad choices? NO.   Don't put that off on me.  I know I could have done things differently but it doesn't justify his choice.   If you have some knowledge of the affair proof plan and could correct me on my view I would welcome the input.  The pain of being betrayed is hard enough, it cuts through your self esteem and makes you question things you never imagined.  I truly believe that he made a choice and if that's what he truly wanted to do he would have found an excuse even if I had made the perfect choices all along.

Jumping off the cliff

Remember the Seinfeld episode where George decided to do the opposite of his norm in every situation because all of his decisions had just been wrong? That. That is where I am. I am sitting on the edge of the life cliff and I'm very scared that I will die here on the edge of the cliff while I analyze why I'm doing nothing. I have to jump off and crash or fly. Dying from the jump has to be better than dying here thinking about it. No I'm not suicidal, if I ever decide to really physically jump off a cliff I have a mental list of people that I'm taking with me! Haha! Seriously, strong is hard and I have to get there fast. Wish me luck